Glenn Gaslin's Astonishing Tales of Danger & Wonder

The Global Beverage Watch Continues

Idon't know what the story is with these cans, or who that woman is, or what's up with that hawk on her shoulder, or even what language that is. All I know is that I love it.

UPDATE: Thanks to Michael, I'm now a hell of a lot smarter about these cans. Which I still love. More than ever. See, they're part of a Coke promotion with World of Warcraft in China. And she's a Night Elf. Duh.

Mountain Fu

Finally, a slickly produced commercial that combines two of my all-time favorite things, neither of which I actually enjoy these days: Kung Fu and Mountain Dew.

CHRONICLER OF "ALASKA CRAZY"/badass/HS buddy Matt has, this week, (a) helped rescue the crew of a sinking cargo ship way, way out in the Aluetian chain, (b) played most of Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and written a deep, probing analysis (not yet posted), and (c) informed me that our, like, childhood 7-Eleven, where we used to get two or three Super Big Gulps a day, is gone.

"MORE THAN A SIZE, the Big Gulp is--like that city on a hill or Einstein's Twin Paradox--an idea. An empty vessel into which we pour, to the rim and on ice, our dreams. When I plop that huge heavy conic section onto the counter, I am saying: My dreams are this big." [from my appreciation of America's beverage, on it's 25th anniversary, in today's NY POST]

Mitch Albom tried to kill me. See, halfway through my Long Beach-L.A. trek today, I lose interest. In the 405, in the gas pedal, in the moving forward. The freeway’s moving maybe 25 mph, and I’d seen it every day for, like, seven years. So I check out, go for my coffee and wonder, hey, which one of those THE WAY I SEE IT haikus is stamped on my grande drip cup today? #27? #44? The one from Erykah Badu or Ken Burns? Gee. Do I have time here to I consume a quick tasty morsel of pop philosophy that’ll make the stretch between the Roscranz Avenue and Century Boulevard easier, more meaningful?

Before enlightenment sets in, though, traffic stops short, I slam on the brakes and barely avoid a collision. I’m OK, everything’s fine, thank you, but let this be a lesson: No uplifting aphorism by Mitch Albom, even one that comes free with coffee, is worth your life.

If only this beer had caffeine in it...

Anheuser-Busch will now sell really crappy beer loaded with caffeine, ginseng, guarana and, like B vitamins in a cocktail called B to the E. All in one of those tiny 10-oz cans that the kids like to suck their Red Bull out of.

Whoever thought this up, I want their job.